Sunday, February 27, 2011

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

cheetos burning

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...




WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!

A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

  • My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
  • The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
  • My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
  • My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
  • I had no control over the drooling.
  • Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
  • I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Viking Helmet

this post is in conjunction with my next blog post on the Latter-day Homeschooling Blog scheduled for March 21,2011
Katie is studying Vikings right now and as she likes to dress up in character, she decided she needed a helmet.
viking fotos and stuff 014

You need:
  1. a large balloon
  2. measuring tape
  3. 2 cups flour and some water for Paper Mache paste - use a bowl that has a lid, as you’ll need this for a couple of days.
  4. strips of newspaper 
  5. a bowl large enough to support the balloon
  6. scissors
  7. lightweight cardboard, such as cereal boxes or something a little heavier
  8. newspaper to make horns if desired
  9. masking tape
  10. hot glue gun
  11. white paint for priming
  12. choice of paint colors for helmet
  13. “jewels” for decoration (opt.)
Measure the circumference of your head, and blow up your balloon so it is a little bigger than the head.  Tie it off.
Place it in your bowl so it stands upright, tied end down.  Mix the 2 cups of flour with enough water to make a paste (it was enough to make 3 coats of paper mache)
viking fotos and stuff 005
Dip a strip of newspaper into the paste, run it between your fingers to remove excess paste, and place it on the balloon. Repeat this process until you have made your first coat of paper mache in a helmet shape around the balloon.  Allow to dry.  It may take a few hours or overnight.
viking fotos and stuff 006
Repeat this process until you have made 3 coats.  Allow to dry.
Remove the helmet from the balloon, popping the balloon if necessary, and trim the edges to be even, cutting it down to size, also, if it is too long.
viking fotos and stuff 008
Cut cardboard strips to go around the rim and across the top of the helmet. (Katie used cereal box cardboard across the top and a sturdier cardboard from another box around the rim) Hot glue in place.  Allow to set.  viking fotos and stuff 009
Draw wings on cereal box cardboard and cut them out.  Hot glue them to the sides of the helmet. If you prefer, shape horns out of newspaper, twisting them into shape and secure their shape with masking tape. Hot glue them in place. Click here for the helmet with horns
viking fotos and stuff 010
Paint the helmet with white paint as a base coat, to cover the newspaper print.  Allow to dry.  Paint another coat, if necessary.
viking fotos and stuff 013 viking fotos and stuff 015
Paint the helmet in desired colors and decorate with “jewels,” or other  ornaments, if desired (see top photo for Katie’s design). 
Be sure to have fun!

Monday, February 21, 2011

Singing Your Own Song, Not Someone Else's

the original of this post is scheduled to appear on the Latter- day homeschooling blog on 2-21-11

Harriet&accordian (Harriet Nease, my great-great grandmother
circa midi-1860’s,  Original photo property of Ruth Lehman)

“A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart
and sings it to you when you forget the words”
~~from a rubber stamp I own

I read once that among the Comanche Nation (when they still roamed the plains, at least), everyone had  a song in their heart, one that was distinctly their own, and they could be heard singing it as they went about their daily business, be it tanning hides, washing, grooming,  honoring the morning sun, or just walking along.  Naturally, someone could admire another’s song, and it just might be going around and around in their head, but it was not appropriate to be found singing someone else’s song.  I suppose a person’s song could have similarities to another, notes and rhythms, tempo, but their song was not to be the same as another’s. 

So .  here’s my question for you:

Have you ever come across someone who thought it was their responsibility to fix you or  gave you unsolicited advice about what you need to do about yourself or family? They made it clear that you should be more like them, that your worth and value to the world will be less until you changed according to their personal views or were more like them?

Or have you been certain that you had to change yourself to be, and do, like someone else (other than the Savior)?  I have experienced all of these and, over time,  these said experiences have left me with quite a lesson learned through the gentle tutoring of the Spirit.

Consider that their need to change you says more about them than you.  They are seeking validation for their own choices (good or bad), or think that your different choices are a rejection of theirs. They are insecure about themselves, or so self absorbed that they are certain that their way is the only right way.  Remember the whisperings of the Spirit, that the Lord is in charge and He will direct you through your life and your Homeschool journey, not someone else's.

Being aware of my weak areas in life and homeschooling, I asked the Lord to help me be more like so and so, make me like another because of what abilities she has and He said, “ No,”  that I am what my family needs me to be for them, then reminded me of Doctrine and Covenants 46, beginning at verse 11:

“11For all have not every agift given unto them; for there are many gifts, and to every man is given a gift by the Spirit of God.

12To some is given one, and to some is given another, that all may be profited thereby.

13To some it is given by the aHoly Ghost to know that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, and that he was crucified for the sins of the world.

14To others it is given to abelieve on their words, that they also might have eternal life if they continue faithful.

15And again, to some it is given by the Holy Ghost to know the adifferences of administration, as it will be pleasing unto the same Lord, according as the Lord will, suiting his bmercies according to the conditions of the children of men.

16And again, it is given by the Holy Ghost to some to know the diversities of operations, whether they be of God, that the manifestations of the aSpirit may be given to every man to profit withal.

17And again, verily I say unto you, to some is given, by the Spirit of God, the word of awisdom.

18To another is given the word of aknowledge, that all may be taught to be wise and to have knowledge.

19And again, to some it is given to have afaith to be healed;

20And to others it is given to have faith to aheal.

21And again, to some is given the working of amiracles;

22And to others it is given to aprophesy;

23And to others the adiscerning of spirits.

24And again, it is given to some to speak with atongues;

25And to another is given the interpretation of tongues.

26And all these agifts come from God, for the benefit of the bchildren of God.” (italics added)

Oh, duh, right.  We can seek help from one another.

Heavenly Father stops me, these days,  when I begin to mourn to Him in prayer about my failings due to my weak areas. He has, again, made it clear that I have what I need for my responsibilities and the ability to fill the needs my family has.  The Lord will pick up the rest. I was reminded of Ether 12, beginning at verse 23:

23And I said unto him: Lord, the Gentiles will amock at these things, because of our bweakness in writing; for Lord thou hast made us cmighty in word by faith, but thou hast not made us mighty in writing; for thou hast made all this people that they could speak much, because of the Holy Ghost which thou hast given them;

24And thou hast made us that we could write but little, because of the aawkwardness of our hands. Behold, thou hast not made us mighty in bwriting like unto the brother of Jared, for thou madest him that the things which he cwrote were mighty even as thou art, unto the overpowering of man to read them.

25Thou hast also made our words powerful and great, even that we acannot write them; wherefore, when we write we behold our bweakness, and stumble because of the placing of our words; and I fear lest the Gentiles shall cmock at our words.

26And when I had said this, the Lord spake unto me, saying: aFools bmock, but they shall mourn; and my grace is sufficient for the meek, that they shall take no advantage of your weakness;

27And if men come unto me I will show unto them their aweakness. I bgive unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my cgrace is sufficient for all men that dhumble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make eweak things become strong unto them. (italics added)

I appreciated these verses, particularly about “grace,” which according to the Bible Dictionary, is the Lord’s “enabling power.”  His grace is sufficient for all men; His enabling power.

The expectations of “after all you can do” will be different from one person to the next because of the atonement.  The Lord has experienced all that we have experienced and knows how to succor His people in their weakness, be that simply the mortal factor, or where they are emotionally, mentally and physically in their journey of the second estate.  My dad taught, “Don’t worry yourself about mistakes you make along the way.  You’re just doing the best that you can in any given moment.”

Now,  I am aware that there is always room for self improvement, that we are always changing, but it was not my place to be like so-and-so.  Nor am I on anyone’s time schedule but the Lord’s for my self improvement.

May you always be confident in your homeschooling efforts, knowing the Lord is in charge, you are His hands, and His instrument in educating His children according to their needs and yours and not someone else’s.

Friday, February 11, 2011

The Princess of Toad Suck

ice dagger 002

The Princess of Toad Suck finds the Ice Crystal Dagger

Thursday, February 10, 2011

So Patrick asked….

Patrick asked once where all this musical ability came from, specifically relating to his interests of piano, guitar and harmonica.  Well, lets see…..

His father with his own electric guitar

guitar 001

and his paternal grandfather playing harmonica

harmonica 001

HIs paternal grandmother plays the organ and  drums. (no photos..yet)

He was thrilled to have found these pictures.  Now he knows.

Christmas continues

Patrick’s new harmonica arrived.  He’s so happy.  He got an Amazon gift certificate from his aunt and uncle and ordered the  $38 harmonica with the slide that allows him to play sharps and flats.


And of course he must start playing right away. He’s learning hymns for Trek this summer.


Wednesday, February 9, 2011

We Found Mr. Prosthesis!! He Lives!!!

(written in December but posted in Feb)

Seven years ago, when we moved to Arkansas, my mom gave us a box of old ornaments to put on our tree (all of this is a long story in itself).  Among these ornaments was a one-legged man.


We took pity on him, certain we could give him new life.  We replaced his missing leg with a  Q-tip and gave him the name of Mr.  Prosthesis.  We put him on the tree with Bellerina, Ballarina, Mr. Hernia (whom  you will see later), the rubber chicken (which is the representation of my extended family) and many more. 

One year, we couldn’t find our box of ornaments.  We were certain he had accidentally gone into the burn pile along with the box of other favorite ornaments.  We were very sad.  BUT!! this week  we found him!  in a box, buried deep in the attic!.  He Lives!!!


His artificial leg had been through quite the ordeal, so it was time for a replacement.


We invited Mr. Hernia, who was also found in the long lost box, to come along for moral support.


First we needed to gently bend back the old leg…


…and then snap it right off!! By the smile on his face,  Mr. Prosthesis appears to be doing very well, so we shall proceed…... ………to replace the old Q-tip…..


  … WITH A HOOK!!!

We opted for a less invasive surgery,clip_image007

covered the screw with beads and hot glued him back together.


Mr. Hernia visits Mr. Prosthesis in recovery.  Vital signs are good, outpatient surgery went well and his new leg should hold up much better.


we considered adding beads but decided against it.


Time to go hang out on the tree with Mr. Hernia, the Rubber Chicken, Bellerina, Ballarina and all the others, Formerly Known as The Lost Ornaments.

Monday, February 7, 2011

How Katie Shares the Gospel

Many of you know that Katie carefully selects which of her stuffed animals, toys and  critters go into her basket to take to church on Sunday.  I noticed one day that, when we sing, Katie will hold a critter or two so they can see the hymnbook, also.

Christmas n' more 002

An Epiphany

seeking the one

I’ve realized something.  I rely heavily upon the Lord for everything. This is called faith.  And He does not let me down. 

And when I talk about it with people who I think would understand, I get looked at and spoken to like I’ve confessed to some truly odd dysfunction, that relying upon the Lord the way that I do is a character weakness.

But I’ve realized something.  The people who have acted this way have not ~*had to*~ rely upon Him the way I do.  They don’t have a testimony of His care in the way I’ve experienced. 

It is in my Patriarchal blessing that I will be guided by the Spirit in every decision I have to make.  See that?  Pick up on that?  ~*Every*~ decision.  And it is true.

After my husband died, I was on my own.  Life changes when you become a widow.  Drastically.   The Lord was always there, guiding me through, even, very minor decisions, because I needed it.  And He still is.  I sometimes have to walk through fire, but He is always right there, encouraging me, patting me on the head.

I have good friends who understand and accept this truth. 

I have not-so-good friends who just think I’m weak and dysfunctional.  But it has been made clear to me now; it’s not me having an odd dysfunction.  I choose to let Him guide me and help me through my life in all things. I have strength through Him, not of myself.